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ALCOHOL USERS' TROUBLESHOOTING GUIDE.
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| SYMPTOM | FAULT | ACTION TO BE TAKEN | - - ---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Drink fails to | Mouth not open | Buy another pint and practice in
give satisfaction | while drinking OR | front of mirror. Continue with as
and taste. Shirt | glass being applied| many pints as necessary until
front is wet. | to wrong part of | drinking technique is perfect.
| face. | - -
--------------------------------------------------------------------------- Drinking gives no | Glass is empty. | Find someone who will buy you satisfaction and | | another pint.
taste.
Glass is | |
unusually pale and | |
clear. | | - - --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Feet wet and cold | Glass is empty. | Turn glass the other way up, so
| | that the open end is pointing at
| | the ceiling. - - --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Feet wet and warm | Incorrect bladder | Go and stand next to nearest dog,
| control. | after a while, complain to dog's
| | owner about the lack of house
| | training. Demand a pint as
| | compensation. - - ---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Bar blurred | You are looking | Find someone who will buy you
|through the bottom | another pint.
|of an empty glass. | - - --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Bar Swaying | Air turbulence is | Insert broom handle down back of
| unusually high. May| jacket.
| be due to darts |
| match. | - - --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Bar Moving | You are being | Find out if you are being taken to
| carried out. | another pub,if you're not,complain
| | loudly that you're being hijacked
| | by the salvation army. - - --------------------------------------------------------------------------- You notice the | You have fallen | If your glass is full and no one is
wall oposite is | over backwards. | standing on your drinking arm then covered with | | stay put.
ceiling tiles and | |
strip lights. | | - - --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Everything has | You have fallen | As for falling backwards.
gone dim, and you | over forwards. |
have a mouthful of| |
broken teeth and | |
dog ends. | | - - --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Everything has | The bar is closing.| PANIC !!!!!!!!!!!!!!
gone dark. | | - - --------------------------------------------------------------------------- You wake up to | You have spent the | Check your watch to see if it is
find your bed cold | night in the gutter| opening time - if not then treat
hard and wet. You | | yourself to a lie-in.
can't see your | |
bedroom walls or | |
ceiling. | | - - ---------------------------------------------------------------------------
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